Changes

Haven't been able to blog because of too much going on lately. On the 3rd my Father in law passed. It was one of those things where we all knew it was going to happen but it doesn't make it any easier when it does. We had a call the week before because he felt like he was going then and wanted everyone there and that was so rough. Seeing my MIL kissing him and telling him it was okay I hurt for her so much as well. For them both. I am so glad to have them in my life and I know how hard this has to be for her. Then when he did pass the nurse is the one that called and my husband went over by himself (I guess partially because of lack of time to get everyone over and maybe too rough for the kids to go through this again. My oldest was gone both times...I feel like in a way she hasn't dealt with any of this yet as she has completely cut out everyone and has never contacted my MIL) The day he passed my oldest heard about a friend of her circle of friends passing and she seems to really have mainly focused on that. Anyway she'd been leaving early in the morning and coming back late but has now moved out. She was told she had to leave from the first place she stayed and wound up with a friend who sent her to a shelter and now she is staying with a friend of the family's. Sort of an in between I think so that she can get on her own feet. Things are rocky for us all right now. The thing is she ran into someone who knew the ex who was all trying to tell her how great a father figure he is but in the same breath they (The kids) all had to leave because he is still a raging alchoholic...um yeah great father figure. Anyways for me this brought up a lot and I don't know why so hard this time but it did. (My friends seem to think it is because of all the changes) but for some reason the thing that stood out the most made no sense as to why that in particular did. It was the tattoos he wanted to put on me. The shackles on the wrists and ankles with one around the throat and the chains running to each. We were in Germany at the time and it was chains I could never take off. I am so glad that I don't have the tattoos. (Something to be grateful for....I was surprised that one of my friends remembered me telling them about it when it came up I guess...there were only like two people I called when I lived in Germany til we no longer had a phone) It broke me down and I cried for awhile. I guess at seeing where I was and how far I've come and not ever wanting to lose how far I've come no matter what happens.  I think really I am just a bit overwhelmed with everything right now. I want to continue moving forward and finding myself. I want the best for my oldest and for her not to fall but this is also her journey now. She does have the advantage of having someone by her side though that wouldn't do any of those things to her either. I just wish she'd lose all that anger she carries and bitterness. Anyway I am trying to sort everything out for myself and see what lies ahead. I have hopefully another couple of years before my 2nd oldest decides to make that jump. She'll be 18 before that but needs to finish her schooling. Still the rules here are not that unreasonable for that age...at least I don't think so....take care of your own stuff (your own laundry, dishes, if you have a pet the pet care for that pet..... start to set your own appts and such and we'll take  you if you want for medical stuff and if you are going to be out all night that is fine but  if you are coming back that night have respect for the other family members that are going to be going to bed at a certain hour) < pretty much it. I.E. Don't leave messes for everyone else to have to suffer with when you leave. Also helps for you to be figuring out what you want to do. Work on getting job apps or looking into schooling. I moved out on my 18th birthday and lived in a gutted out house for awhile. No bathrooms no nothing. Stupid move on my part. I guess I thought I was escaping my dad. Then again there are also decisions I wish I would have gone through with at least taking a chance on too. There should be some sort of transitional thing when you are that age and going from being a teenager to an adult but not quite ready for what adulthood has in store for you. Something to ease you into it. So in any case there is a lot in store for us ahead and trying to be there for my MIL as much as we can (My SIL is down for now too to help her)  and my Mom and then my other friend is back from Washington now which is a good thing (great for the kids as well they have other kids their age to hang out with which they so needed) My aunt is coming down this coming week to visit my Mom and then I am trying to completely redo my house and get it in order once and for all (I have my work cut out for me there) and I have enrollment done for both my two older kids still at home to do online schooling and now waiting to see if they get in (if not we are still prepared to home school) As for myself I want to do some more schooling but really can't do so financially right now and don't want to put anyone else in the house out by doing it. That and it would have to be something I could actually do something with.