Trying to see the light

Well yesterday was a rough day. Had to go find something for my MIL so went driving around (didn't find it) and decided to stop by the local lake before going home as we'd promised Abby that we'd take her. My son wasn't with us because he was behind in school work and trying to get caught up before term end. (otherwise normally he would have been) and while we were there it was fairly nice. Good day at that point and we knew the weather would be getting bad the next day. Went and took a few pics of the water which is up (a good thing since in years past has been kinda low) checked out some of the work they'd done recently. Putting slabs of cement out by the grills and they had finished the playground area. My husband took my youngest over there to check it out and she got to pet a mule that came up to the fence. She decided it was a camel and kept telling me about petting a camel. :) Could not convince her otherwise. Finally it was getting about time to get home and take my mom's meds to her so went to head home and as we did there at the stop sign looked both ways nothing so hubby went to go foreward....then there was a blazer came out of nowhere flying down the hill and I kinda went oh crap we aren't going to make it and my husband looked up and saw them and hesitated for half a second and went to go on (like it was all in slow motion) and I watch it almost reliving the wreck I went through in my Skylark...again it is like watching something in slow motion and I felt myself brace for impact and then SLAM. They had not slowed at all and there was no way for them to stop. There are no words to describe how that much impact feels. We sat there for a second totally in shock. My youngest starts screaming in a panick so hubby checked on her and she was fine just scared. There was apparently another car that had just gotten within sight and they got out and started making sure everyone was okay. Turned out the other person was someone I knew. Thankfully everyone was okay. Their vehicle seemed to just have a cracked fender but that is just visual I can't say for myself what other damage it actually had. We were facing down another direction from where we had been going. The seatbelt had caught my neck and later my leg had a swollen knot on it but not sure from what and our van has a broken axle behind the tire and damage underneath and the sliding passenger door is dented in as well ( no opening that door ever again) as the wheel itself appears dented. All in all it is totaled due to axle damage and body damage (and whatever under neath that is not accounted for) having a friend maybe look at it anyway just to double check. We wound up stranded for a short few til someone else (yet someone else I know that lived nearby) was nice enough to stop and call a wrecker for us and that got us and the van home. Going to be adding a road side assistance thing on my phone bill after this. I think it would be worth it. It appears it is going to have to be scrapped and the tow service said they buy them so maybe will just sell it to them after we clean it out. Will not get enough for another vehicle though. Will be having to figure that out. Also living where we do utility bills are high. Almost 400$ this time around. Really hope to move in a year or two at most. We'll see if that happens the way we are hoping. Anyway sore today and unhappy about no van but otherwise grateful that people were not as injured as they possibly could have been and that there were several people stopped to check instead of driving on through and for the person that called the tow service so that we were not stranded. Grateful for all the nice people who we've been around and come in contact with lately. It revives my faith in people some.  Keeping with my calorie counting and all despite the stress. On another note I got a throwing knife set for Christmas and my husband got a matching one. Going to have to set up a target. Surely that counts as exercise even if just for the arms. I tried to learn knife throwing when I was a teen.  I'd like to get a hold of a basketball goal and play that as well. Not going to happen soon though. Can't wait til warmer weather to start going on walks again. Wish we had a YMCA or something closer. I'd go. We have a little gym but I miss being near one that has a little bit of everything. Plus they have a lot of kids programs that I always thought would be great to put the kids in but driving over to the next town just wasn't a possibility as often as we'd need to do so. In any case as always lots of ideas, thoughts, and plans just hoping to even get a few of them done :) 

Back in the Saddle

 Ice storm December 2013

Wow how long has it been since I blogged? Quite awhile. Fair warning as this will probably seem kind of roving and random but I have a lot of thoughts to spill. I had to take hiatus because honestly the last couple of years  or so were unbelievably overwhelming. I have been in sort of a personal learning curve/ soul search. I felt like my goals may never be achieved but now it seems like it just wasn't the right time for them yet and fingers crossed, knock on wood, and all that but it looks like this year has so much more potential and looks very promising. So far things have all ready started to turn around for us in a good way. As for myself I had lost track of a lot of things I was working towards. My health: I wanted to lose weight and get in better shape as w/ my lupus I will always have issues with getting sick and up til now I've let that stop me for periods of time from my goals as I stop when I get sick. I decided to go w/ Sparkpeople rather than myfitnesspal to keep track of my calorie counts/ exercise as it has small goals to hit every day and I think I can keep up with those better. I've done well in the past with all this but besides the health issues just all the stress going on in my life in general did not help. I am a little concerned this year as the severe reaction I had to cedar pollen last year nearly did me in and that time is coming up soon (end of Jan-Start of March) but as with most things like that I'd rather take preventative measures ahead of time to try and curb the problem or head it off at the start. I had been given the option of shots but wasn't able to do it. (have to go in every week and had transportation problems and couldn't) I've found there is something I can use though to keep from breathing it in and while I am nervous I am hoping it will help. On another note to curb the problem I had last year with having a very dangerous D3 deficiency (didn't know I had anything of the sort and the allergist caught it and sent me for testing and it was actually at a very dangerously low level) I've been taking that off and on during the winter to help. Anyway back to the health thing. One of the small goals is to do 10 min of exercise a day. I do about 3x that when I dance but I figure surely I can do at least 10 min on my bad days and keep up with that. I managed to get my BP down and it seems to be staying that way.  I figure when I get overwhelmed with the laundry or something (only female here other than my 4 yr old and my son thinks I have super vision when it comes to messes cause he thinks I'm the only one that sees it LOL) anyway I can do at least 10 min. of that a day. I am the type of person I have to accomplish SOMETHING during the day or I don't feel right. I feel of less worth and that isn't due to anyone else but just my own personal feelings. I have come to find I am much more of a goal oriented person than I ever realized. I like to set goals but I also become upset and depressed when I can't accomplish them. I find that setting smaller ones along side the big ones at least helps full fill that sense of accomplishment. One of my goals I set for this last year I feel I made headway in. To start going places w/my art. I got a painting done and while I had hoped to do so much more I have been working on that and getting sketches done as well. To me that is something. Another goal I had lost touch with and given up for a lost cause seems to be coming to light again as a very real possibility. I am not setting it in stone as I don't want to have my hopes dashed but I will soon find out if it is to come to fruitation or not as I am hoping. If so should start seeing that come to light this spring (as the weather warms up) I am happiest when I am getting things done. This particular one will make me super happy. I have felt stuck in a rut. Like I was happy before and everything came crashing down and with it everything I thought I knew and all the people I thought I knew so well or that I thought were there for me was not and were not. I will say I see everything as a lesson though and for me this was a lesson in finding myself in learning that I could stand on my own if need be. Actually more like a reminder as I've done so before. No matter how bad things get it is possible to make it through them. That I need to stop doubting myself and it helped me re-find my strength. Sometimes life finds funny ways of throwing lessons at you and they may be tough ones but they are done in such a fashion as you will undoubtedly learn from them. It may takes things from you so that you may further appreciate having them later or so that you can make room in your life for other things. Sometimes it is a temporary separation of paths that is needed as to allow room for growth.Also depend on no one but yourself. Trust no one fully but yourself.  You can never tell what it holds just have to hold on for the journey as life is a learning experience. I am learning that while I can't always help others as much as I want to I have to take care of myself as well. Something I was neglecting.  If I am not in a position to do something maybe I will be later on down the road. I have learned that I have my strengths as well as my weaknesses and I don't always recognize those strengths. However I also know I need a break from it all every now and then to recharge and I've been guilty of not allowing myself that. 

In this last year I've been spending what time that I can with my mom and sad that with my life being as crazy hectic as it is I don't have as much time to offer her (or anyone else really) that I'd like to. My mom found out that she has Parkinson's though we are in hopes that it is possibly due to a medication she was on instead. She was taken off that to see. She also is going through renal failure. One of those things where the dr is keeping tabs on it but no clue from one day to the next otherwise. I do what I can when I can but have had to learn to forgive myself that I cannot do more. I was letting it cut me to pieces before and that was no good for anyone. I felt like I was being pulled in 50 different directions at once all the time. I had to take time to separate myself from it all. Also I find it surprising the things people will believe about you from others despite what they may know themselves. It made me re-look at that myself as well. That I should never judge anyone on anything unless I know it for myself. Something that should be common sense anyway but I think everyone is guilt of at some point. 

Some things I see for this next year: One to continue working on my health and to try for at least 10 min. of exercise a day. 

Two: continue working on my art at least some each week if not daily. I have plans to at least try and enter something at the Pott. County fair this year and to try and get some things done to sell. I want to check out the First Friday thing in Shawnee sometime. My son also has plans to enter something in the county fair. He was looking this last year and realized his lego crafts are actually really good (something we've been telling him but as always some people don't take it from you LOL) I may start a gallery online to sell and I have promised someone a flash drive w/ some art and unfortunately have been unable to make it by to get it to them just yet. Will see if they still want it though hopefully soon. 

Three living arrangements: to get things more organized around my house. I've been working on this anyway though with my two oldest girls moving out we've been in constant rearrange mode. I am getting rid of a lot of stuff and we may not be in this house for another year or two so .....anyway. Not set in stone though. This particular house will be paid off in 2015 in about Feb or March... so in either case I don't have any plans to stick around this town really but I'd like to be close enough to still be around family. We had been so up in the air for the last couple of years what we were going to do house wise. Try to fix this one up which was going to cost a lot of money we don't have to basically rebuild the house in a way slowly draining us while we were unhappy living here in town to begin with. (outskirts would be fine even) OR trying to move which we thought one of those options wasn't going to happen and it still may...anyway we'll see. I think things will come into light more clearly this coming year. I guess going through my shed should be tacked on to this part. I have a lot of things in there to go through as well. 

Four continue learning and finding ways to improve my life

Five: I will becoming a grandma later in the year and my oldest is working hard on trying to get her life in order and I'd like to do as much as I can to help her out as I can. There are some things I just can not do but for those things I can I want to do what I can. We've had some pretty strong differences in the last couple of years and are working on our relationship. 

Waiting to see what my 2nd oldest does w/ hers and hoping she make the right choices. 

Basically in the last two years my entire life was dismantled and shattered almost completely but in a way that makes it easier to rebuild a new one. 

*now that I've been working on this blog for the past few hours with the phone ringing off the hook (not a bad thing was actually good things) and with doing stuff w/ my youngest.... I think that sums it up LOL :) I may write a much shorter blog here in a few. I will be trying to write more. I think it did me good to keep up with my blogs to get thoughts out when I couldn't otherwise.