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Tuesday, November 16, 2010

How do you start to heal?

I have done some healing over the years but I don't know how far I've really gotten. It doesn't take much to trigger the pain all over again or for me to relive the fear. The turmoil inside that erupts swirling around where I feel like I have to escape but from what? and how? I am an abuse survivor. This is something I wish I could just leave in the past and go on without another look back but it follows me through out my day to day life rearing its ugly head and causing me to crash back down unexpectedly. It clings to me like an unwelcome shadow when I look at how other people live their lives and I wish I could go about my own without such a struggle all the time. 
I want to be at peace. I really don't have any place to quiet my mind for awhile and let it all ease away. I used to draw for that and I really don't have the time or quiet space in the day to do that right now. I can hardly type this out right now with out my mind being cluttered by all the background noise in the room. It is hard to just rest mentally. 
I have found that sometimes typing it all out helps. I did have a blog going on myspace where I had a select few people to put this forth to. A sounding board if you will but I had let that go for awhile and I can tell it as I am feeling particularly stressed right now. Right now I am just rambling but I do plan on getting more down to the details of it all. I did it once before and I can do it again it is just hard for me. I put the link for this up on my facebook and like I said it is like baring my soul. Especially here. I guess a test run for writing it in a book? I would like to hear back from others who may have experianced situations like mine and would like to hear how they deal with it. It is hard for someone dealing with this. When you want to talk to someone about it not many people really want to listen. Especially when it is a life time worth. How do you vent about it when you need to? You can't let it build up inside for too long but what do you do? People alot of times why you react the way you do. They can't see inside your head and know what is going on there and  you aren't sure how to express it especially when you are wound up from it. By the time you are calm enough to explain it you don't feel like talking about it. I find writing a good way to express it because you can put some thoughts down and if you are interrupted you can come back to it later to continue them. You can think as you type so they aren't coming out in a jumble.  Drawing is another. For me it takes me someplace else for awhile while I work on it. Each line an expression of something. I usually listen to music while drawing and find that helps. I think I am going to have to come back to this because as of right now the kids are in the living room and being particularly loud and bouncing. I am having some trouble concentrating. :( I guess this is a start though however small it may be. 

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Time stands still for no one

I am right now dealing with issues regarding my mom's health and haven't had as much time to blog really that or I have the time but if I so much as open the window to blog something else happens and I put it off. My mom finally made it in for her colonoscopy after another troubling night with the prep they give you for it. She had alot of trouble with it and couldn't really keep it down but fought through it and it worked. They checked her out and found so far a Hiatal hernia , 4 pockets where she has Diverticulitis , and two sections of dead bowel or intestinal ischemia and infarction . In other words two sections of her bowel quit receiving their blood supply. They had told her during this appt. that she should start getting blood flow back to them that she just had to sit up for 3 hours after meals and all should be fine. They took biopsies and told her they'd call with the results. She has an appointment coming up to see her regular dr. for bloodwork to see where her levels and all are. She is still getting nauseous which is not good as they don't really know why that is happening. I don't think anyone has checked her white cell count since she was in the hospital with this so we don't know that the infection is gone or just staying subdued. I don't know if the IV's she received at the last two appointments is what is keeping her going either.
In any case she received her phone call today and the news was not good. They said that the biopsies had come back with not good results. They said that she has to have treatment but did not inform her what this treatment would be or what the treatment was for. Told her nothing of the result ...just that they are bad and if she does not receive said treatment that she would wind up right back where she was with the hemorrhaging, diarrhea, vomiting, low blood pressure, high white cell count, etc. The dr. had told her before that she was lucky to have made it through that the first time. That if there was a next time it was not likely she would make it through so knowing that this news is hard to take. She doesn't see them for two weeks. (a little over that actually) 
We had really thought that from what they told us following the colonoscopy that things were going better but it looks like that is not so. 
I'm not sure what to think til after this next appt (or well two appointments) of hers or what to expect and I'm sure for her this is much harder. :( 

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Wow alot to blog about all the sudden...

I'm not even sure where to start. Plenty of news stories catching my eye too. I guess I'll start with yesterday. Yesterday we woke up to the sound of helicopters over head and (yes we woke up late LOL) so I got curious and checked facebook to see if anyone knew what was going on. Shortly after I found out about the police chase etc that happened and that there was a man hunt here in Tecumseh. This is the full news story from the countywide news <<<< Well okay I wound up having to use the Shawnee news star because countywide took theirs down???



Crime spree: Robberies, carjackings, shooting

Two arrested in connection with Seminole, Pottawatomie County crime spree

Photos

Suspect apprehended.jpg
KIM MORAVA

Pottawatomie County Sheriff Mike Booth, left, and Seminole County Sheriff Shannon Smith, right, escort Jason Masieo to a patrol car Tuesday. Masieo was taken into custody following a manhunt in Tecumseh. He, along with another suspect arrested in Norman, are suspects in a two-county crime spree of armed robberies, a shooting and several carjackings.

  

More Photos

Suspect apprehended.jpg
ARNETT & MOHR.jpg
LAW ENFORCEMENT.jpg
COPS WITH GUNS DRAWN.jpg
POLICE NEAR RALPH'S PHARMACY.jpg
SHOTUP MINI VAN.jpg
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Search provided by local.com
By Kim Morava
Posted Sep 07, 2010 @ 09:52 PM
Two suspects were apprehended Tuesday following a crime spree in Seminole and Pottawatomie counties that included several armed robberies, carjackings, a shooting, police pursuits and a manhunt.
Law enforcement officers swarmed Tecumseh Tuesday, where schools and businesses were locked down following the armed robbery of Ralph’s Pharmacy, 211 S. Broadway.
With the help of tracking dogs during the manhunt, suspect Jason Masieo was nabbed nearly two blocks from the pharmacy shortly after 3 p.m. Suspect Bobby Cardenas, 44, had been arrested around 11 a.m. after a police chase ended in the Norman area on SH 9. A Norman police officer reportedly tossed stop sticks in front of the stolen vehicle Cardenas was driving, a tire blew out and officers made the apprehension.
Both men, reported to be from California, were arrested as the investigation continued into the crime spree that started in Seminole County.
It began in Konawa just after 9:30 a.m. when the two men walked past the Oklahoma Family Medical Center and carjacked a vehicle from Ruben Brewer, said Jessica Brown with the Oklahoma State Bureau of Investigation.
During the ordeal, Brewer fought back with the help of a good samaritan, identified as Jimmy Cunningham, who was shot and wounded in the incident, she said. He was taken by helicopter ambulance to OU Medical Center, while Brewer went by ambulance to Valley View Hospital in Ada with head injuries.
The suspects fled in Brewer’s truck and drove south of Maud, where they stopped an OG&E contractor and stole his vehicle, she said. From there, the pair allegedly drove into Maud and robbed the Quick Stop at 218 E. Wanda Jackson. While inside the store, the suspect demanded a customer hand over keys to her vehicle, but it was reportedly low on gasoline. They drove 1.5 miles to Trinity Baptist Church in Maud, where a group of three women, including Donna Morris and Sally Christopher, were standing in front of the church before a meeting.
Morris said a vehicle came speeding into the church parking lot. There were two men — one got into Christopher’s van, while the other came up to them.
“He pointed a gun and said ‘whose car is this,’ and said ‘give me the keys,’” she said.
Morris said she had her eye fixed on the gun. Christopher told the man it was her vehicle, but her keys were inside the church office. She said the armed suspect followed her inside at gunpoint to get the keys. Before he fled, he took her purse, along with Morris’ purse and her Bible that was tucked in a carry bag, she said.
The women remained relatively calm, all things considered.
Christopher said when it happened, “I sort of stood there — I could not believe it was real.”
Morris agreed. “I was thinking ‘is this real...you can’t really even process it,” she said.
“You never dream while standing outside a church that someone would come point a gun in your face,” Christopher said, adding she thinks of how things could have happened differently. “We’re just blessed.”
The suspects’ crime spree didn’t end there.
Pottawatomie County Sheriff Mike Booth said deputies headed to Maud after this incident and encountered the suspects driving the stolen van along SH 9A. The driver allegedly ran Capt. Travis Palmer off the road using the van to try and hit his patrol vehicle head-on, Booth reported. A deputy and an Absentee Shawnee officer reportedly fired shots into the van as the suspects fled.
The suspects then drove to Tecumseh, where they are accused in the armed robbery at Ralph’s Pharmacy. Tecumseh Police Chief Gary Crosby, who said there was an exchange of gunfire between the suspects and the pharmacist, said the suspect later identified as Masieo allegedly swallowed several Oxycontin pills while still inside the pharmacy.
After the pharmacy hold-up, the two suspects parted ways. Cardenas reportedly drove Christopher’s stolen van to Park Street, where he abandoned it and carjacked another vehicle from a father and son. A high-speed chase and pursuit of that stolen vehicle commenced west along SH 9, and eventually ended with Cardenas being taken into custody in the Norman area.
Since Masieo fled the pharmacy on foot, a barrage of law enforcement officers swarmed into Tecumseh as a manhunt pursued.
An abandoned car wash across the street from the pharmacy became a command post for numerous law enforcement agencies. Tecumseh and Shawnee police, Pottawatomie County sheriff’s deputies, area tribal police departments and the Oklahoma Highway Patrol’s tactical team with tracking dogs were among those at the scene.
As authorities set up a perimeter and began a search, they asked the public to check on their friends and neighbors in the Tecumseh area, especially the elderly who live alone, while schools and businesses were locked down. Officers were stationed at highway on-ramps and other intersections to search all vehicles leaving town.
The OHP tactical team began searching around the pharmacy, using a dog team. OHP Lt. George Brown said they used evidence from the robbery to give dogs a scent, and that dog team led authorities eastbound to a residential area about 1.5 blocks away.
The dogs, which are “extraordinarily good at tracking,” Brown said, led them straight to where the suspect was crouched down beside an outbuilding.
Brown said Masieo was not armed and was taken into custody without incident.
All law enforcement agencies participated in what was a collaborative effort, Brown said, and Booth said the area agencies work well together.
“The good guys won this time,” Booth said.
The investigation involved several different incidents in Seminole, Pottawatomie and Cleveland Counties, but the suspects were expected to be booked into the Seminole County jail since the crime spree originated in that county.
Watch for updates.

Now to input our own personal part of this day. We were catching updates on facebook thanks to others with scanners, the Tecumseh FD, and people who were sharing what they heard via others. 

When my husband went to try to go to the other local pharmacy he found them to be on lockdown only allowing in and out people who they knew as regulars (thankfully we are regulars) We had to get my mom's pre-appointment prescription as tomorrow is her big day for having her scope done to find out what is wrong with her digestive tract. He also finds out that her insurance won't pay for what they wanted her to have and it was going to cost us nearly 60 bucks. So we had to let her know about that and she had to deal with her insurance company to straighten that mess out. Well then we start getting calls from the kids. One of them (my oldest) found someone with a cell and started calling. The school had been on lock down (in the end it totaled at around 5 hours and almost another half hour) THey were to stay in the classroom they were in when it started and were escorted to the bathroom and to lunch. My son said they only got one bathroom break during this whole time for his class which I thought sucked of them. I understand protecting the kids but geez the other classes found a safe way for them to go and by the time he came home he was in pain from it. Anyway my oldest started calling and she would call and hang up call right back over and over and over. I told her that if she called and I didn't answer to give me a few minutes at least to call her back and not do that. She of course did it again. The school didn't know when they were going to release the kids. Though they caught him about the same time school was letting out so they decided to let the buses run though they would be late. There was alot of confusion there. I later find out that the grocery store and everywhere else had been locked down. THe whole town. Alot of excitement for one day. 
Today (my birthday) we are experiancing the effects of tropical storm Hermine. Tons of rain and a chance of storms later today. I actually like storms so this isn't such a bad thing. 

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Had to post this too.

Udumbara flowers
This came up in my search and I thought they were very interesting. Pretty little things if they are not photoshopped and I'd be likely to think they are a type of fungus though they don't appear to be catagorized as such. Very delicate tiny little flowers growing from a threadlike stem that seem to grow on anything and are talked about in Buddist prophecy. Something to read up more on I guess. I have seen something like this just really didn't think much of it though at the time.

Thought this was interesting too. Apparently today is an educational day for me LOL
http://www.falundafa.org/eng/intro.html

Lotus flowers

I had a very interesting dream last night. This is an accomplishment in itself because as of late Miss Abbigail has not been sleeping. I am in the process of trying to wean her and also get her to stay in her own bed at night which she thinks she needs to wake up and come to our bed to nurse. I hadn't had anything other than what feels like a cat nap in atleast a week though likely more. That wears on you after awhile. Very frustrating when you know they are asleep and you barely shift like you are going to stand up to go put them in their crib and they start crying. 

Anyway this dream I was having. I can't remember the first half but I was standing in a Japanese style water garden. Behind me there were some trees and to the side was a building. I believe there were monks (apparently this dream was sort of a collage LOL) It was night time and there was a full moon and it was reflecting on the water in front of me and the water was filled with lotus flowers. One of the monks tells me something about a prophecy of 50 lotus flowers blooming (I am assuming at night because it was night in the dream) As he's speaking there are two small very fair haired children standing at the side and I'm not sure what happens but something happens to them and I am saddened. (Drowned???) Something and the monk tells me not to be sad for them but their passing heralds the beginning of a journey. Then I see this woman getting on a boat that looks like a banana boat or something. Going down the amazon. She looks somewhat sad but then she turns and gets on the boat and the dream ends. WTH??? 
So to sum it so far what I get from it are 50 lotus flowers, night time, 2 small blonde children that died???, and a journey 
I start by looking up lotus flowers. I know nothing about then other than they show up in eastern cultures and are pretty and found in water. LOL I am actually suprised by what I found. 
Lotus flower information
They actually do bloom at night. I did not know this. Apparently a symbol of enlightenment. Also used before meditation as an aid.Accordingly, the Lotus is the symbol of resurrection, purity, serenity and peace. The Lotus flower was part of the Ancient Egyptian creation story. Because the flower opens each day and closes each night, it is a symbol of rebirth and eternal life, the main theme of Egyptian religion. According to the creation story, Ra, the Sun God, created himself from amidst chaos and first emerged from the petals of the lotus flower. When Ra returned to the lotus flower each night, its petals enfolded him once again. The Lotus was the symbol of the Upper Kingdom of Egypt, seen as the tall white crown, symbolic of the Lotus bud.< Inserted from the page I found.
I was totally fascinated. Something that stood out for me is the lotus flower is also a major symbol for abuse survivors. Symbol for courage, purity, and awakening. This does mean something to me. 


I couldn't find anything on the blonde children guessing that their symbolic meaning has yet to be figured out. I guess something that is to be left behind. Innocence? youth? WHo knows if I will ever figure that out. 

The journey is most likely self explanitory though I'm sure there is more to it. 



All in all I am still amazed I got some real sleep and was able to dream LOL That and the lotus flower has a bit more meaning to me now that I know more about it. I guess it will stick with me. 



Sunday, August 15, 2010

Unexpected turn in the road

Sometimes life takes a turn that you could kind of see coming but yet at the same time didn't really expect to see it go that way. I haven't been on to blog lately because we had a family emergency and I would like to take this time to bring awareness to these types of illness. 
My mom had to have spinal surgery awhile back. I know it was before the May 10 tornado because I do remember that. She got sick around June 11 with a lot of vomiting and not able to eat. We thought it was her diverticulitis and to be honest I wanted to call the ambulance that time. She said that no she would wait it out and so I listened instead of following my instinct. I should have followed my instinct. She assured me she would go in to the dr. after that and she did. The dr. gave her something for pain and all and that was that. She cut her finger badly on a metal fan blade sometime after that. It nearly cut it off and she had to go in for stitches and all and they didn't think she had broken it but later she went back in for them to remove the stitches and they said that yes they had in fact decided she had broken it. Fast forward to a couple of days or so ago when she started vomiting again severely. We had gone over to bring her dinner and she couldn't eat. We went over again to fix her up a new a/c to help cool her house some more because it is hot right now. Running in the 100's. Her face looked almost sort of grey but she didn't want to go in ....again I should have listened to my instinct lets just say lesson learned all to well now. I feel horrible. I told her to call us any time I don't care what time of night or whatever if she should change her mind or need anything. Well early the next morning (she of course waited til she knew we would be up with the kids) she calls and I ask if she wants hubby to take her in and she says no she can't sit up that long and she asked me to call an ambulance. Come to find out not only had she been vomiting severely she was bleeding and every time she stood (she kept trying to take care of her cats) She would gush blood. I was like holy crap mom why didn't you tell me this? (because she knew I would have hauled her butt in before that if I'd have known) So I called the ambulance and sat and waited with her til they got there and she was all ready to go. She looked somewhat relieved to go. She went in her nightgown and I put her purse and meds up on the gurney with her. She even left her flip flops. I didn't find out til later when I called the ER to check on her that I found out her white cell count was sky high and her blood pressure which has normally been too high was bottomed out so low that they couldn't give her any pain medicine or anything so she had to sit down in the ER for ever til that stabilized some and then admitted her and at this point she has been found to have a massive serious infection on one side of her abdomen we think it may be from as far back as her spinal surgery but we know it was as far back as June 11th. They were upset that the dr did not have her further checked out when she went in the first time. She at first thought she would be getting out in a short time period as soon as she could keep down liquids but at this point there is no clue as to when she will be out. She is on antibiotics to help try and fight the infection though they also said that the antibiotics she received for her injured finger may have helped slow the infection but at the same time this could make her more resistant to antibiotics. Mom has diverticulitis which means pockets in the intestines that can be aggrivated by certain foods, Colitis which means ulcers in the intestines, and lupus which is an autoimmune disorder as well as Sjogrens which is also an autoimmune disorder. This complicates things. 
She was told when she can keep liquids down some, the tenderness is gone, and the antibiotics start to work some they can go in and do a colonoscopy to try and see more what they are dealing with. That in itself may be awhile. She is on an IV drip and some meds to help keep the nausea at bay when they give her the liquids which she says everything tastes wrong and the drs have told her not to push it in that area. Just take them as she can.
Then when she is well enough to go through the colonoscopy they may wind up removing a piece of bowel but that is too far down the road to even think about at this time. I am going to go see her tomorrow or tuesday (looks like tues may be better) and this is hard for me because of the agoraphobia which sucks but this is one of those situations where I feel I need to suck it up and go. I am having health issues of my own. I am off to eat dinner for now but I thought blogging about this might make me feel a bit better. I am really getting worried and trying to take things a day at a time with worrying about mom. I really don't know what is going to happen at this point in time. I don't know what to expect. 

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

jumping worms

I hate worms any type of maggot especially .... but I had to record this. We have those old cotton wood trees that the tree people hadn't finished hauling off yet and we decided to pull some of the cut logs over to set as a frame for our pathway to our house. In the process we began to notice these little worms coming out from the bark and they would spring off the tree like popcorn. They just looked so freaky. I'm so going to have nightmares tonight now.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

It's hot in Topeeeeeeeeeeeeeka

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L_IlsPypwZs   < Hot in Topeka from Fosters where the title of this blog came from. My favorite fosters episode.

Yes it is hot again. The temperature right now is 94 degrees.... the heat index is 109. It is supposed to be like this all week. Nothing new for Oklahoma but still with the humidity it isn't the most pleasant of weather. Hot with a strong chance of mosquitoes. I don't do heat. I always thought Germany had good weather. I lived there for a couple of years and loved it. Usually seemed to run between 70-80 degrees. Not too hot not too cold. I recently talked to my friend from there and she said it was what would translate to 100 here. They are not happy and I can't blame them.
My baby girl ran a fever all night last night. I am sure I was irritating her because I had stuck her in bed with us again and kept shifting her around so she wasn't covered up too much and checking on her. Today her fever broke and she seems to be feeling okay though I feel like crud. I called her doctor because I've been told this looks like the mumps and I have to agree. It does. They are going by what the urgent care said even though no tests were done and urgent care really didn't have an answer. They just gave me the closest they could find. So I've been told now to continue with the antibiotics which lasts until tomorrow and then by Friday morning if she still runs fever any to call them back and they will start a new type of antibiotics. Baby girl has got to get better. Mommy and Daddy are going nuts with worry.
On another note we had crab last night for dinner and steak. Hubby had found a box of snow crab at the store and thought we'd try something new. We got the crab out of the box to prepare to steam it and one of the legs had some eggs on it. One of my girls Jessie was standing there watching while holding Abby. We love to pick on Jessie ...endlessly...she makes it so easy for us to do this LOL She is quick witted and easily embarrassed.
 

She asked what the eggs were. I told her crab eggs most likely but I wasn't sure. Then she was like Ooooh I am so not touching that leg. We then informed her this was now her crab leg. "EEEEEWWWWWWW Mom! Wait..... What if they hatch....oh wait can we keep them if they hatch?"
" Yes they would be miracle crabs if they hatch in a pot of boiling water. "
"Are you sure it is crab eggs?" 
"Who know's? Maybe it is octopus eggs? Have you heard the story about that? " LOL   Dinner itself was awesome though. Crab, steak, and broccoli with cheese. I sliced up some grapes for baby girl who has decided that the stuff on her high chair tray is ammunition not food. She will pick up a piece and examine it carefully. If it does not meet her criteria which I wish I knew what that criteria was...she drops it carefully over the side of the high chair tray only to pick up the next piece to examine. Paper, pieces of tissue, most generally anything that is not supposed to go in the mouth meets her criteria though. I have been convinced this child has super vision because she can spot a microscopic piece of whatever after the floor has been vacuumed. Baby girl has decided it is nap time so off I go for now.

Saturday, July 10, 2010

Some thoughts for today

While I am typing this I am glancing over to see my 1 year old jamming out to the song at the beginning of Psych. she had her head bobbing and was twisting and and one point was holding one arm up and bouncing. She really enjoys that song. I have to admit it is a really good show. The new season is coming on and I am excited about it. I love Destination Truth too mainly for the humor in the show and Josh Gates just rocks. Halarious. I guess for regular shows I need a dose of humor. Movies I prefer thriller, horror, and suspense.
Today we finally got to go for a decent length of a walk again. Something that lasted more than a total  of 5 minutes. Which was good. I need to be out walking and not fending off mosquito hoards. We had used some of that Avon stuff and it didn't work. Either it was just past it's "freshness" date (though I doubt it) or they just were very attracted to it. Abby had big bites on her from when we'd gone out a day before to take pictures of my rose. I was covered swatting myself like a scene out of the African scene. The part where this cloud of biting bugs descends on them. Another scene I had in my head was the Mist when a fog rolled in on top of it all. We've gotten tons of rain lately which the bugs absolutely LOVE. I enjoy the cooler weather though I don't enjoy the bugs so much. We finally got some Cutter spray which worked great and we made it through the walk bite free.
Some thoughts that came to me (I can be pretty random at times) was about food and the economy or more specifically ways to save money on said food. Our household consists of me, my husband, our one year old, and 3 teenagers. Anything to save money or be more economical and hey if we can fit "green" in there too what would it hurt? I had seen an article awhile back about growing veggies from seeds you get from produce you buy at the store. Buy a tomato for dinner, save the seeds, and voila! You have yourself some tomato plants for later. I have experimented with  this though I am lacking in the green thumb department. With the weather issues we suffer especially here lately this becomes a more difficult task. I opted for bell pepper seeds. These are numerous and seemed like an easy option. It worked. I just put them in an old flower pot we had with some potting soil I think my husband put some miracle grow in there. Probobly knew that the poor plants needed a miracle if I had anything to do with them. They grew wonderfully. I didn't get the chance to see them put on actual peppers though because sometime after that several things happened. One a large and very fat (after eating some of the plants) caterpillar made a home in the pot. I moved him out and continued to try. Then we had a flood which I didn't move the pot in in time and it drowned some of the plants. Poor things didn't really stand a chance. I find if I plant it out in the yard and don't touch it it tends to grow beautifully. If I touch it it isn't so lucky. We at this time have several pumpkin plants growing from discarded pumpkins from last halloween. I guess it took awhile for them to take root but one is getting really enormous. It has some fruit in the beginning stages where you can tell it is "something". I think someone with a bit more gardening know how may be able to really do well with a few veggies from the store. Some you can't do that with. Lettuce comes to mind but the article I read even included potatoes which my dad had long told me would not grow if you used the eyes from store bought ones. Guess he was wrong. You may see a future project on here. I may try to grow different plants and see how they do. I would love to grow edamames. I am hooked on them.
Anyway now baby girl is wanting some attention. She is trying to move things over to climb up on and make it over the baby gate and then getting mad when it doesn't work. I think someone is tired and very cranky.

Friday, July 9, 2010

Where to start?

I just finished playing with the design of my blog. I hadn't paid much attention to it since I first signed up but I have been really wanting to start blogging again and I like the set up. I recently started using google chrome and am finding so far I like all things google. :) The only problem I had was trying to use the deviantart gadget which does not want to cooperate. Thought it might be cool to put some of my art up here. I don't want to get into anything too deep just yet but will soon enough. Today is a laid back day. It has been raining and overcast which I normally love but with too much of that going on the mosquitos are out in full force. They love me. I can't say I return the feelings.
 Here is some of my long lost poetry from allpoetry.com


Bound

dark tendrils of pain envelope my soul
wrapping themselves tightly they constrict my being
in my heart is a gaping hole
which noone else is seeing
I walk on shards of glass glittering in the sun
I run through nightmares in the dark
The tears fall the blood may run
looking for a moment in my life to spark
the desire to go on
to pull the curtains on my past
I don't want to be anyones pawn
I want to see happiness and comfort at last
but each soft stroke ends only with a slash
another tendril wraps tightly around my heart
a whispered word of hope only becomes a tongue lash
that tears me apart
I shiver in the cold and wish for a warm touch
that never comes. Hopes always shatter
there is no sense of security or anything of such
I try to pretend it doesn't matter
after a little while I encompass the pain
it is all I will ever know
It will never wane or be the same
it dims that inner glow
I know now that I am bound
chains of the past that haunt me inside
chains of the emotions that I drown
chains of pain hold me down. 

Thinking Back

raindrops softly tap
against the glass
blanket on my lap
hoping this blue mood will pass
thoughts of softer moments
inviting themselves in
daydreams of sentiment
trying to think back to a time when
true happiness did abound
yet within my own depths I search
and little is to be found
running fingertips along the smooth white birch
wading through a sea of wheat
exploring the canyon and the wood
in the summers heat
I go back there if I could
running through the shade
crunching last years leaves
resting in a glade
playing make believe
life now is all to real
and it seems so often
that pain is all I feel.
and so for now I will remember when
things were simpler and things small
caught my eye and beauty abounded
I saw mystery in all
and was always astounded.

nighttime at a lake

satin sheets of midnight blue
settle across the sky in darkened hue
in the fading horizon
the fire kisses its reflection
blazing ripples race
across the waters face
enshrouded by scented pines
crickets chirping sound divine
glittering confetti tossed into the air
face of a godess with skin so fair
looking down apon the great expanse
with a loving glance

....(don't know what to call it)

velvet rose petals crushed together
absent of thorns
kiss of honeysuckle nectar
silken caress
heat of the shining sun
and cool of the harvest moon entwined
soft breath that of promises
sweet and warm
teasing as of a summer breeze
electricity of a coming storm
seduction of a soul
beauty uncomprehending
threatening to devour whole
enveloped in timelessness
trembling throughout
absence of fear
and of doubt
intensity blazing
comprehension fades
serenity amazing

Monday, June 7, 2010

Trying this out....

I have been a myspace blogger for the longest. I joined Facebook last year and while I still use my myspace I have found that no one really logs on there much anymore. I liked the format there though and I think here I am finding a happy medium that I can use for both. I feel like I have a story to tell and if someone wants to read it then all the better. LOL I am also an artist and sometimes may post my artwork here when I actually get time to work on it. In the meantime as I set up this blog (Not done with that part yet) I will work on getting my links up and such. :) Hope you enjoy the read. :D Feel free to leave me comments and say Hi :)