Last night was a big night all the way around. First off my oldest and her fiance graduated and a big congrats to them. It dawned on me though that I was having a PTSD (Post traumatic stress disorder) Moment. I think the only person I explained this to yesterday was my hubby so he was the only one who really knew what I was going through and I didn't want it to dampen their big day. So I just kept busy and focused on making it. Now here I will say what happened that was such a big deal to me just because I feel it needs to be said. This is something I would normally reserve for my blog that I keep for healing matters but I want to say this seemed to fit here as well. I am an agoraphobic but at this point I've made a lot of recovery that I hope to keep making. At one point I was unable to leave my yard almost it got so bad. This was all due to PTSD. It was only after I began to understand my triggers for my panic attacks (and I have so many!!!) and to work through the trauma I'd been through did I begin to make process that and have someone around who was a positive influence that helped me find my own strength again. Anyway what was going through my head that I didn't say anything about was the last time I stepped foot in the place where my oldest graduated my oldest herself was there. I was in a bad relationship with my ex and he was cheating horribly with someone he was supposed to see as a sister as well....(and could not understand why this made this doubly wrong) He had taken my oldest who had her 2nd birthday around the same time and I had no clue where he was keeping her. I was young and inexperienced and if I'd have known then what I know now this would not have gone down as it did. I also had my 2nd oldest who was about 6 months at the time and had spent time in NICU and we nearly lost her. I was in a deep depression and I think my kids were the only thing keeping me going. (Was really wishing I'd taken a different fork in the road at the time that probably wouldn't have worked out but wish I'd have taken the chance to find out I've spent my whole life wishing but you can't change your past you can only look to the future) but in any case I had quit the year that I got married and had my oldest because I was very ill with strep...I know now the reason I was so ill had to do with my lupus and that your body will start to basically work with the illness to attack....anyways getting off track. I had all ready gone through a lot and on the night that was supposed to be something to be happy about I had to go pick my ex up (then was still married to him) along with my oldest who had just turned 2 at his mistress/my adoptive sister in law's house. (She and I much later became friends in an odd twist to all of this) I had to wait in the living room while they were in another room and he got dressed. I made it through my graduation and then sometime after that he went into the army and out of naivety I stayed with him I guess thinking things would change or that I should for the kids. (Plus felt I was broken by then) In any case so for me what should have been a highlight and happy moment in my life was not and became a dark memory and another PTSD moment. I will say though that last night changed that for me. I put on my war paint (aka makeup LOL) re-pierced my ears and focused on the kids and the progress I've made so far. :) We went and wound up sitting up in the very top balcony in the far back but I will still happy and I still could see them both as they crossed the stage one right after the other and was and AM so very proud of them. I am also so very happy that my oldest has someone so wonderful in her life. I'm glad we have him in ours as well. :) He's pretty awesome!!! and I wish them happiness forever. After the ceremony we left a few minutes early to escape the crowds and took some pics and then hubby made a passing comment about going to walmart. Something that is pretty mundane to most people but it had been over 10 years since I've been there. (Since before they moved and became a 24 hour one) I used to work there and really enjoyed it and we visited the dollar tree another mundane thing but it has moved since I worked there as well.... I think seeing how things have changed etc actually helped. (I had trouble with the mall because after my ex tried to strangle me to death/bite my jugular out they happened to put him on work crew right by where I worked very shortly after the whole incident so I was driving to work with a black and blue throat and see him....it stayed with me it made me feel like no matter where I went I was never going to be safe)
In any case I feel like I am healing more and more. The emotional and mental scars run so much deeper than any physical and are so much harder to heal from. It angers me when they over shadow joyous moments in my life but I am hoping to continue de-clawing them.
Also my hubby had given me what basically resembles a dragon talon or cats claw made of glass a while back and I don't think he realized what it symbolizes for me but I considered it as symbolizing my inner strength. When I'd feel lost or afraid it may sound silly but I'd look at it to remind myself who I am and where I've been and how far I've come. Last night we happened across some owls who have had special meaning for me more so as of late and I was really stuck on this one. So we got it and I have a new necklace :)
I am a much stronger person now than I used to be.
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