Goodbye 2012

Well most everyone I've talked to has said that things changed for them in 2010 and have continued to change since then. For us it is the same. One thing after another happening and keeping us constantly on our toes. Sometimes it might be nice to kick back and not have anything going on to worry about. Would be nice even if that time is short it would be appreciated. In any case there are some things I have learned about myself. 
1. I am better at expressing myself in writing than with speech. I think this is likely true for a lot of people but especially me. Growing up I was shy ...so shy I couldn't speak whenever spoken to or look people in the eyes or I'd blush so badly. I'd blush all the time horribly whether I was feeling embarrassed or not. I grew out of that but I'm still not good with the talking face to face I guess. Something I need to work on.
2. I am not good at forcing issues when it is for someone that is going to affect someone negatively. I am having to deal with a situation like that now and it is very difficult. It seems I run into it a lot and it never gets easier. :( Now if it is something I feel strongly about and I am advocating for people than yes much easier but when it is having to make someone do something they don't want to do and they have to struggle with.....no it is very difficult because it is completely against my nature to do that. (this especially comes when you are having to do role reversal with a parent.....you are 
used to them being the one in control not you and it is so unnatural to have to tell your parent what to do.....SIGHHHHH) 
3. Sometimes it is really hard to express how I feel to someone when I know they aren't going to be happy or willing to hear it. I guess I'm a softy when it comes to that. This really applies to people I care about but even when dealing with people that I don't have that emotional bond with I tend to be overly diplomatic which may be why I seem to deal with people well in those ways even when I don't feel comfortable. I am a good listener I guess.... When I get fired up though then look out. :P Even my hubby says that. He's seen me get fired up and angry or upset about something which of course I usually express through writing or art and he just says outta her way for now LOL. :) usually he says this with an amused grin kinda thing too LOL 
4. I don't usually handle change well at all. It stresses me out but after the sheer amount of change we've gone through the last few years alone I am getting better at it. Then again after a lifetime of trauma I can deal with more than I give myself credit for at times. 
5. I underestimate myself all too often. I am working on this but a lot of times I will doubt myself when I shouldn't. I guess I still catch myself downing myself a lot. My second oldest likes to give me checks on this. She is always trying to make me feel good about myself and I appreciate it. :) I hope she always keeps the positive outlook for herself as well. Sometimes she over does. Like when I say I need to lose weight...NO YOU DON'T...um no seriously I'm not trying to down myself on that one I really do LOL 
6. I have a hard time with willpower when I am overly stressed. (Like oh say with dieting and exercise LOL) 
7. I have a thing I do when I remember things that I am curious to know if this is the same for everyone else...When I remember something the memory for me is like a snapshot. Like I am looking at a photo. When I say this I mean like an actual old photo or video. So no not like a photographic memory where you remember everything or anything like that but just like looking at a photo. Anyway maybe silly but that is something my Mom and I were talking about one day. Sometimes this does help though in remembering details (such as the color and make of a car) or it can hurt in which you are remembering something that you really don't want to remember all the details in. :/ Could be quite normal just curious.
8. Some other little things are I am learning diet wise which works for me and what doesn't....as in what sets off my auto-immune issues and stomach problems and what is safe ...what to avoid entirely and what to only indulge in on occasions when I don't have plans the next day because I know I won't be feeling all that great. 
9. I am also doing better with finding my stressors that set off my anxiety or panic attacks or agoraphobia (which I am making some headway with very proud of that...the headway not the anxiety problems LOL) 
Lots of other things but I thought it might be interesting to put those down. You can always learn new things about yourself no matter how old you are or where you are in your life. Some can be quite positive and may surprise you and some may be things you need to change for a better quality of life for you but only you can determine what and how. If someone else is changing them for you it is not really change you want to bring about yourself or even change that would be better for you. Better for them not you. You are responsible for you and no one else ....though that piece of advice of course is good unless you are a parent or caregiver LOL Then it gets complicated. :/ :P Sometimes you do have to stop in the middle of everything and step back and examine it all. (Random though) Is this where you want to be? Is there anything you can do to improve things? What changes do you want in your life....not meaning the new years resolution type that will go down the drain in about a week or month if you are lucky....but what long term goals can you picture for yourself. Where would you like to see yourself in a year or two? How can you see yourself reaching that goal? (those would be your shorter term ones) Make it happen for yourself. I am working on mine. There are some I know I will never achieve but I can't say I didn't try and the trying is a journey into itself. The ones I won't achieve are dreams anyway....and who knows. Something my Mom once told me is that nothing is ever 100 percent. This can sound negative but it isn't meant to be. Nothing is ever 100 percent for sure. Everything changes constantly. Here is to hoping 2013 is a positive year with positive changes for us all. Full of growth and learning and new discoveries. 

Happy Holidays

Well we are kind of taking a break from it all through the holidays. Just focusing on family and friends and such and trying to relax some. All too soon the kids will be starting their online schooling again and this time around we have a router so they can use both computers and maybe we won't be so rushed at the end. Hoping it goes better though we will have a lot going on for the new year. Many plans and things in the works. A lot of which have to wait til some warmer or at least clearer weather. Still some kinks to work out. Hopefully things will continue to fall into place for us. We need to get our chainsaw working again so we can finish cutting up this big pine tree half out back to get rid of it...if not I'm going to have to use an axe or something and that is just a pain in the butt. I am considering myself on break right now. No big projects like that til after. I am not doing so great diet wise. I think that is one thing the holidays has been too good for me with... :/  I told hubby I do want to keep trying though and I may need some encouragement. We'll see how that goes. Really part of my problem is it is cold and I am not active when it is cold. I have RA and it HURTS plus I can't use my hands really when they are cold. It sucks. I have so many plans I'd love to talk about but really can't on here yet. Not til we get a bit further along with them. I've basically had my thoughts confirmed that this city is going to shit and we're definitely not the only ones that have noticed. I do see a brighter future for us though if things go the way I am hoping. I am just anxious for spring. Wishing it were here all ready.  Hoping life slows down though I doubt it will. Anyway have things to do so have to go for now but may actually blog more later. 

Ready to Move

I haven't had much chance to blog. Had too much going on and the kids are online a lot doing their school work. Maybe I'll have more time over break though I dunno. They are in the countdown they have a certain length of time to finish up their assignments before then. We are looking at the possibility of moving. Not sure how/where/when yet still sorting things out but hopefully we'll get it all sorted out. 
Would like to get somewhere that we can have our chickens and whatever other livestock plus a decent sized garden...a pond would be awesome too!!!! Would like to work our way more towards something with a well, solar panels, mostly off grid but still with some amenities (not ready to go offline LOL) I feel like our city is changing in such a way as that it isn't going to be a good place for us anymore. 
Some interesting stories to follow in the news
Louisiana sink hole Some research on this is interesting. The sheer size and the effect on the residents as it continues to grow. At this point they've found H2S gas. 
Mysterious Tremors in Texas
anyway I know this was a short blog but will do more when I can.

will blog soon

Will blog again soon. I've been wanting to just haven't had any time. 

Happy Halloween!

Well despite having a bumpy start to the day the evening went great. Took the kids to the business trick or treating and my youngest was all into it. She knew what to do this year LOL She went dressed as a oriental princess, my son as a "Soldier on vacation" as he put it. (army fatigues,hat, and gas mask along with a Hawaiian shirt :P) Hubby wore a kind of phantom of the opera/half moon mask which looked cool and I was a sugar skull. I was kinda rushed so didn't do it like I wanted but still got compliments. Then we went to Sonic for the 50 cent corndogs for everyone and then to my MIL's for a visit. Then we did our trick or treating. Some cool points of the night was someone flying a small plane going over and was showing off for people. Then there is a house that was set up pretty cool with someone dressed as No Face using stilts with their hands for a animalistic appearance. Pretty cool. They also had a police car set up with lights going and all. Not much else to say right now other than we did walk til we wore the kids and all out. Tomorrow is the first day of the 30 day challenge :D Yayz! (Drawing challenge) 

As time flies

 Mystery snail with beta in background....damn those snails are creepy

Time of course is speeding by as usual. My mom is still having serious health issues. On top of her organs starting to fail and the massive internal infection in her abdomen....after a blood draw the dr. informed her she has to take iron 3x a day. She should have had a transfusion in the hospital but they didn't give her one. She is very weak and still has infection. They are retesting about the 2nd week of November or so to see how it looks then but they are very worried and so am I. 
As for myself I started suffering from excruciating pressure headaches. The dr. was a bit worried with them starting out on one side because I am sort of prone to TIA's (ministrokes) but pretty much everything seemed fine other than it seems they were combination headaches. Stress/sinus/and caffiene withdrawal (which apparently can be pretty vicious in itself) and plus high blood pressure so I was put on medication for them and told to drink some caffeine each day to stave them off and then drink a lot of water (for possible dehydration) and also if they continued to stay really bad through the week call and I would need a brain scan to make sure there is not something more going on. Still having some but medicine is working and I am still suffering from stress but definitely not as bad as they were so hopefully. 
Also I've discovered Sparkpeople.com which I am loving. I had used myfitnesspal in the past and it is pretty good too but there just seems to be a lot more to offer from Sparkpeople and seems more geared to what I need. They have recipes, exercises, etc. So far so good and also to keep my blood sugar with in reason they have plans that can be tailored to your needs and I've done that. I am also trying to get back a bit into belly dance though instead of like last time .....I learned my lesson about trying to jump back in at the level I was at. I am starting off much slower. Here lately I've been a lot more tired too which is annoying. :/ 
I have been watching the presidential debates some and honestly can't figure out what it is that people seem to like about Romney. While I can see they are desperate for change and such he seems like he'd actually just bring us all the way into complete disaster in ways that we've not seen yet. He does more than just constantly flip flop. He lies...CONSTANTLY. You can pretty easily find where he says one thing and then turns and says the complete opposite sometimes in the same day. For those keeping record he's done it in under an hour before. He is snobbish and very full of himself. He also seems a bit war hungry. Maybe it is just me but that is how he comes off.  I am thinking of going third party ...not entirely sure yet but one thing is for sure I will NOT vote for Romney. He and Ryan both seem to not have a clue about women either. For some that may seem a minor issue but as a female ...well it is pretty major to me. They are also just fake. If you haven't seen the story on Ryan faking washing dishes in a soup kitchen look it up. He wasn't even supposed to be in there at all. In any case I am not sure what exactly to expect post election. Which by the way I've also found that there were like 4 or so presidents who won election not by popular vote but by the electoral votes (They voted against popular vote) Interesting. Also I've found if the 3rd party gets enough votes they open up as an option with the electoral votes. 

Anyway. Whomever wins I am really thinking there is going to be a big stink about it because the country is far too divided on this issues with very strong feelings about it on either side. 

Oh something else of note that I just find interesting is that in the last several months there have been an awful lot of white government vehicles around our small town. (SUV type) I started pointing these out to hubby and now he's been noticing as well. The tags are mostly the give away but seeing them mostly parked across from our local small grocery store. (the one that is so small most people just go to the bigger one instead) at a place that used to be a grocery store but is now used to build slot machines for the casinos. ...anyway just one of the weird type of things I notice. 

As far as the situation with my Mom I am struggling to find balance with that and my family. I do not want my Mom left alone for any length of time with her being so weak and sick. She can barely get up to go to the bathroom much less do anything else so I have to hope to find understanding with my family when this affects what we can do. (I.E. I don't like to go far and if I do I want someone close by if she needs help) she doesn't qualify for anyone to stay there full time. It is difficult. 
I am trying to work on my own health as my dr. told me that part of the reasons I've been having so much trouble lately is with a compromised immune system to begin with and a ton of stress and coming off of antibiotics myself I am really just running my body into the ground. I am trying to not overdo the exercise but yet trying to get some in each day. I need to get some of the weight off. I signed up for a 1mile walk which shouldn't be hard as it is something we used to walk all the time and I have a way to map that out on my sparkpeople thing. I have it all ready. On another note I am doing the 30 character challenge which starts Nov. 1st and runs all through November. Something that isn't that demanding but that which challenges myself at the same time. 

Back to where we were

 Some of the new playground equipment at our local park

Information on bats

I thought this was interesting

 Inside the hippo

What a hippo has inside it 

Every time I think we are to where things might settle down (Though I will admit I'm not feeling like things were settled anyway) something else happens. Things always seem to happen all at once when they happen. This time around it was my Mom going back to the hospital by ambulance. She was saying she didn't feel right and was having stomach issues and felt dizzy and so I went to call her nurses and before I could even do that my oldest came running over to tell me she'd fallen. I called 911 instead and ran over to find her laying face down on the floor in the hallway. She could speak but couldn't seem to move and after the paramedics showed up when they tried to turn her over she started seizing so they had to rush her out. Turned out she had a massive infection through out her entire large intestine and stomach. She has Crohn's which is something I am to be tested for which during this whole thing I had to cancel my appt. with the gastro ironically. I've been suffering what appears to be the worst tension headache I've ever had. I almost went to the ER myself over it. It felt like my head was going to explode and mainly remained on the left side of my head and since I seem to be prone to TIA's (mini strokes) I was getting worried. It seems to have eased up today. Anyway I made it to see her while she was in the ER Thanks to my MIL who watched the kids for us for a bit. During the stay in the hospital which wound up lasting about a week it seems (not quite but still) her oxygen levels remained low til today, her vitals were very low. Blood pressure couldn't register on the machine. They put her on antibiotics and were beginning to worry that they weren't working. Finally they sent her home and they had her vitals and all up but still have her on antibiotics because there is still infection and want her to have a scope done to attempt to find the source. I personally worry that they sent her home too early. She's been in intense pain all week. During all of this my oldest ran into some friends of hers and then decided to move in with one of them so to prevent too much activity and more going on in the house than need be she came and got all her belongings before my Mom got home which really she was just finishing up as my Mom got in. (We'd tried to help by removing it all from my Mom's house so my oldest could pick everything up without disturbing her) So all of that went well and I hope everything works out for everyone all the way around. My husband took the younger 3 kids to the park today (I say younger 2 of them are teens) where they've installed new playground equipment and I am really impressed with the equipment they chose. Like a hippo that shows all the internal organs of a hippo inside...(Will post pics if I can) educational things. My youngest is so obsessed with it now that she kept the newspaper article about the new equipment so she can see the pictures LOL :) She cracked me up with that. (This is my 3 year old that did this) I stayed with my Mom because honestly I'm afraid to leave her alone right now. Also they'd given her heparin to prevent clots even though she is a free bleeder so immediately as soon as she got home she had a raging nose bleed. So anyway we are back to square one of my oldest having moved out (Not a bad thing really just hoping this time it goes better for her) My Mom being sick and needing the 24/7 care again which falls on us because she doesn't qualify for the care she needs, back to me having health issues from a combination of stress and my lupus....One of these days if things ever slow down I won't know what to do with myself ....though I'm sure I will find something ;)