Trying to see the light

Well yesterday was a rough day. Had to go find something for my MIL so went driving around (didn't find it) and decided to stop by the local lake before going home as we'd promised Abby that we'd take her. My son wasn't with us because he was behind in school work and trying to get caught up before term end. (otherwise normally he would have been) and while we were there it was fairly nice. Good day at that point and we knew the weather would be getting bad the next day. Went and took a few pics of the water which is up (a good thing since in years past has been kinda low) checked out some of the work they'd done recently. Putting slabs of cement out by the grills and they had finished the playground area. My husband took my youngest over there to check it out and she got to pet a mule that came up to the fence. She decided it was a camel and kept telling me about petting a camel. :) Could not convince her otherwise. Finally it was getting about time to get home and take my mom's meds to her so went to head home and as we did there at the stop sign looked both ways nothing so hubby went to go foreward....then there was a blazer came out of nowhere flying down the hill and I kinda went oh crap we aren't going to make it and my husband looked up and saw them and hesitated for half a second and went to go on (like it was all in slow motion) and I watch it almost reliving the wreck I went through in my Skylark...again it is like watching something in slow motion and I felt myself brace for impact and then SLAM. They had not slowed at all and there was no way for them to stop. There are no words to describe how that much impact feels. We sat there for a second totally in shock. My youngest starts screaming in a panick so hubby checked on her and she was fine just scared. There was apparently another car that had just gotten within sight and they got out and started making sure everyone was okay. Turned out the other person was someone I knew. Thankfully everyone was okay. Their vehicle seemed to just have a cracked fender but that is just visual I can't say for myself what other damage it actually had. We were facing down another direction from where we had been going. The seatbelt had caught my neck and later my leg had a swollen knot on it but not sure from what and our van has a broken axle behind the tire and damage underneath and the sliding passenger door is dented in as well ( no opening that door ever again) as the wheel itself appears dented. All in all it is totaled due to axle damage and body damage (and whatever under neath that is not accounted for) having a friend maybe look at it anyway just to double check. We wound up stranded for a short few til someone else (yet someone else I know that lived nearby) was nice enough to stop and call a wrecker for us and that got us and the van home. Going to be adding a road side assistance thing on my phone bill after this. I think it would be worth it. It appears it is going to have to be scrapped and the tow service said they buy them so maybe will just sell it to them after we clean it out. Will not get enough for another vehicle though. Will be having to figure that out. Also living where we do utility bills are high. Almost 400$ this time around. Really hope to move in a year or two at most. We'll see if that happens the way we are hoping. Anyway sore today and unhappy about no van but otherwise grateful that people were not as injured as they possibly could have been and that there were several people stopped to check instead of driving on through and for the person that called the tow service so that we were not stranded. Grateful for all the nice people who we've been around and come in contact with lately. It revives my faith in people some.  Keeping with my calorie counting and all despite the stress. On another note I got a throwing knife set for Christmas and my husband got a matching one. Going to have to set up a target. Surely that counts as exercise even if just for the arms. I tried to learn knife throwing when I was a teen.  I'd like to get a hold of a basketball goal and play that as well. Not going to happen soon though. Can't wait til warmer weather to start going on walks again. Wish we had a YMCA or something closer. I'd go. We have a little gym but I miss being near one that has a little bit of everything. Plus they have a lot of kids programs that I always thought would be great to put the kids in but driving over to the next town just wasn't a possibility as often as we'd need to do so. In any case as always lots of ideas, thoughts, and plans just hoping to even get a few of them done :) 

Back in the Saddle

 Ice storm December 2013

Wow how long has it been since I blogged? Quite awhile. Fair warning as this will probably seem kind of roving and random but I have a lot of thoughts to spill. I had to take hiatus because honestly the last couple of years  or so were unbelievably overwhelming. I have been in sort of a personal learning curve/ soul search. I felt like my goals may never be achieved but now it seems like it just wasn't the right time for them yet and fingers crossed, knock on wood, and all that but it looks like this year has so much more potential and looks very promising. So far things have all ready started to turn around for us in a good way. As for myself I had lost track of a lot of things I was working towards. My health: I wanted to lose weight and get in better shape as w/ my lupus I will always have issues with getting sick and up til now I've let that stop me for periods of time from my goals as I stop when I get sick. I decided to go w/ Sparkpeople rather than myfitnesspal to keep track of my calorie counts/ exercise as it has small goals to hit every day and I think I can keep up with those better. I've done well in the past with all this but besides the health issues just all the stress going on in my life in general did not help. I am a little concerned this year as the severe reaction I had to cedar pollen last year nearly did me in and that time is coming up soon (end of Jan-Start of March) but as with most things like that I'd rather take preventative measures ahead of time to try and curb the problem or head it off at the start. I had been given the option of shots but wasn't able to do it. (have to go in every week and had transportation problems and couldn't) I've found there is something I can use though to keep from breathing it in and while I am nervous I am hoping it will help. On another note to curb the problem I had last year with having a very dangerous D3 deficiency (didn't know I had anything of the sort and the allergist caught it and sent me for testing and it was actually at a very dangerously low level) I've been taking that off and on during the winter to help. Anyway back to the health thing. One of the small goals is to do 10 min of exercise a day. I do about 3x that when I dance but I figure surely I can do at least 10 min on my bad days and keep up with that. I managed to get my BP down and it seems to be staying that way.  I figure when I get overwhelmed with the laundry or something (only female here other than my 4 yr old and my son thinks I have super vision when it comes to messes cause he thinks I'm the only one that sees it LOL) anyway I can do at least 10 min. of that a day. I am the type of person I have to accomplish SOMETHING during the day or I don't feel right. I feel of less worth and that isn't due to anyone else but just my own personal feelings. I have come to find I am much more of a goal oriented person than I ever realized. I like to set goals but I also become upset and depressed when I can't accomplish them. I find that setting smaller ones along side the big ones at least helps full fill that sense of accomplishment. One of my goals I set for this last year I feel I made headway in. To start going places w/my art. I got a painting done and while I had hoped to do so much more I have been working on that and getting sketches done as well. To me that is something. Another goal I had lost touch with and given up for a lost cause seems to be coming to light again as a very real possibility. I am not setting it in stone as I don't want to have my hopes dashed but I will soon find out if it is to come to fruitation or not as I am hoping. If so should start seeing that come to light this spring (as the weather warms up) I am happiest when I am getting things done. This particular one will make me super happy. I have felt stuck in a rut. Like I was happy before and everything came crashing down and with it everything I thought I knew and all the people I thought I knew so well or that I thought were there for me was not and were not. I will say I see everything as a lesson though and for me this was a lesson in finding myself in learning that I could stand on my own if need be. Actually more like a reminder as I've done so before. No matter how bad things get it is possible to make it through them. That I need to stop doubting myself and it helped me re-find my strength. Sometimes life finds funny ways of throwing lessons at you and they may be tough ones but they are done in such a fashion as you will undoubtedly learn from them. It may takes things from you so that you may further appreciate having them later or so that you can make room in your life for other things. Sometimes it is a temporary separation of paths that is needed as to allow room for growth.Also depend on no one but yourself. Trust no one fully but yourself.  You can never tell what it holds just have to hold on for the journey as life is a learning experience. I am learning that while I can't always help others as much as I want to I have to take care of myself as well. Something I was neglecting.  If I am not in a position to do something maybe I will be later on down the road. I have learned that I have my strengths as well as my weaknesses and I don't always recognize those strengths. However I also know I need a break from it all every now and then to recharge and I've been guilty of not allowing myself that. 

In this last year I've been spending what time that I can with my mom and sad that with my life being as crazy hectic as it is I don't have as much time to offer her (or anyone else really) that I'd like to. My mom found out that she has Parkinson's though we are in hopes that it is possibly due to a medication she was on instead. She was taken off that to see. She also is going through renal failure. One of those things where the dr is keeping tabs on it but no clue from one day to the next otherwise. I do what I can when I can but have had to learn to forgive myself that I cannot do more. I was letting it cut me to pieces before and that was no good for anyone. I felt like I was being pulled in 50 different directions at once all the time. I had to take time to separate myself from it all. Also I find it surprising the things people will believe about you from others despite what they may know themselves. It made me re-look at that myself as well. That I should never judge anyone on anything unless I know it for myself. Something that should be common sense anyway but I think everyone is guilt of at some point. 

Some things I see for this next year: One to continue working on my health and to try for at least 10 min. of exercise a day. 

Two: continue working on my art at least some each week if not daily. I have plans to at least try and enter something at the Pott. County fair this year and to try and get some things done to sell. I want to check out the First Friday thing in Shawnee sometime. My son also has plans to enter something in the county fair. He was looking this last year and realized his lego crafts are actually really good (something we've been telling him but as always some people don't take it from you LOL) I may start a gallery online to sell and I have promised someone a flash drive w/ some art and unfortunately have been unable to make it by to get it to them just yet. Will see if they still want it though hopefully soon. 

Three living arrangements: to get things more organized around my house. I've been working on this anyway though with my two oldest girls moving out we've been in constant rearrange mode. I am getting rid of a lot of stuff and we may not be in this house for another year or two so .....anyway. Not set in stone though. This particular house will be paid off in 2015 in about Feb or March... so in either case I don't have any plans to stick around this town really but I'd like to be close enough to still be around family. We had been so up in the air for the last couple of years what we were going to do house wise. Try to fix this one up which was going to cost a lot of money we don't have to basically rebuild the house in a way slowly draining us while we were unhappy living here in town to begin with. (outskirts would be fine even) OR trying to move which we thought one of those options wasn't going to happen and it still may...anyway we'll see. I think things will come into light more clearly this coming year. I guess going through my shed should be tacked on to this part. I have a lot of things in there to go through as well. 

Four continue learning and finding ways to improve my life

Five: I will becoming a grandma later in the year and my oldest is working hard on trying to get her life in order and I'd like to do as much as I can to help her out as I can. There are some things I just can not do but for those things I can I want to do what I can. We've had some pretty strong differences in the last couple of years and are working on our relationship. 

Waiting to see what my 2nd oldest does w/ hers and hoping she make the right choices. 

Basically in the last two years my entire life was dismantled and shattered almost completely but in a way that makes it easier to rebuild a new one. 

*now that I've been working on this blog for the past few hours with the phone ringing off the hook (not a bad thing was actually good things) and with doing stuff w/ my youngest.... I think that sums it up LOL :) I may write a much shorter blog here in a few. I will be trying to write more. I think it did me good to keep up with my blogs to get thoughts out when I couldn't otherwise. 

How long has it been?

Since I blogged? I don't think I have many moments where things aren't hectic or just busy. I really don't. I keep waiting on things to slow down but it never happens. Still doing my GF thing and down a couple of lbs so long as I can keep that off and keep going down. Not the reason I am on it but hey I'll take it! Anyway right now planning out some projects. Some sewing, some art, etc. For a sewing project (guys you may wanna skip this part more of a girl thing)  I kinda went with my own pattern to play around and see what works best but for most this is one of those girly topics but making your own washable feminine hygiene pads. Don't ask what made me think of this but after living in a house full of girls those can be costly and for me this is just a test type thing. See how it goes. I am using a different pattern but if you are interested here is where I read up how to do it. make your own pads They are commonly used where things are not so disposable all the time. I figure hey we have disposable diapers for babies so why not? Also they cost a ton to buy the washables on amazon etc. anyway.... off that topic. 
(okay guys if you skipped that part you can pick up here LOL) I would like to start sewing other things as well. I hand sew as I am not really knowledgeable with a sewing machine. I have tried but we had a full class in home ec and my teacher didn't have the time for every student or any of us really so I didn't get to even do my project back then. Something I'd like to learn anyhow. Might get some patterns for my fave. style of clothes and such if it would save money as well as I could actually wear things that were more my taste. (plus can get into selling them) Would love to make jewelry more but need a space to safely work with seed beads that I won't be all losing them or fighting with the lil one with that. (Hubby has same need there) Would like to work some with chain mail-esque things which actually seems to be becoming more popular right now. Also plan on actually doing more with my art. (this is an on going thing) I bought some stuff to try out some non-digital stuff and would like to get some water color block pads and do some mixed media which seems to what I do best with though I have worked in several mediums individually. Acrylic being a fave, ink, pencil........you get the idea. I like doing larger scale works and would LOVE to do some furniture refurbishing. Taking found tables and repainting them with my artwork to sell. The only thing is where we live they have a fit if you keep anything like that around even if you are working on it. I would like to have a work space for that. I've also seen pianos (some working) on craigslist that would be a BLAST to do! I am working more on my practicing with my digital art 

 my latest done on 2draw.net using the lascaux program. For some reason I am one of a lesser number of artists that prefers to use Lascaux. I feel more comfortable with that program. I feel it is also time for me to do more non digital work though. 

My youngest is starting school this year so at least for part of the day we will actually have some time to get some stuff done with out little hands to worry about :) I have another one leaving home this year too so will only have two kids still living at home. We are hoping other plans we've had that have sat on hold for like 2 years now may move forward or maybe some other future path will open up for us. It has been a rough couple of years though. I have been feeling more creative as of late though. I will blog more soon...I hope

Haven't had much time to blog

I keep hoping that life will slow down but instead it seems to just speed up. In any case we've been dealing with a sick lil girl as of late who had a really bad ear infection and wound up having her eardrum burst on one side and on the other the actual ear canal swelled up so much it was almost sticking out. Scary as hell for us. This happened really pretty rapidly it seemed and was despite her being on antibiotics. Thankfully the swelling went down and the ear drum healed quickly (they say it was a small perforation) We were told from here on out that she will most likely need earplugs in the bath and for swimming to prevent further infections. Something we are more than willing to do! This also put her behind a wee bit on shots which she needs as she is starting school this year. Barely get to get them in time. She even lost two teeth during this incident and has one of those two all ready partially coming in. Trying to decide if we are sending our other two to school or continuing to let them do online. I have one who wants to go back and one who has made it very clear that they do not want to. We'll see. Weighing the pros and cons and deciding.
As for me my D3 levels came up dramatically (from being dangerously low to being normal in about 4 months) so I get to go off that. Now I hope I can keep them up. Still sticking with the gluten free lifestyle and seeing no cause to go off of it ever. (Well especially because I can't breathe if I accidentally get some of it and it kills my stomach) anyway I am making it a bit further on my journey of discovery with it. I had tried to do it once before a few years ago but failed and what a difference that time span makes! Much easier now because a lot more people are changing to that dietary lifestyle whether for weight loss or for gluten intolerance or celiac issues. The thing is more people are finding they have that which is not such a good thing but for those of us who do have issues with it and may have suffered for years without knowing why...this means there are many more palatable things on the market that we can eat instead of buying what few nasty breads etc there were at the time. (reason for failing before) One thing is Betty Crocker has put out a whole line of gluten free stuff including bisquick which my hubby just found for me at our small local store. I was thrilled! I have a pancake mix that I am getting versatile with. (Making my own sausage egg mcmuffins with it and such) then my friend told me that Braum's has a good selection of stuff there. So we checked it out and they did. They had everything from Udi's muffins to breaded chicken and fish. Different pastas like macaroni and spaghetti and then bread mixes including cheesy bread and cinnamon rolls. I tried the Udi's double chocolate muffins which were good. We got the cinnamon roll mix (going to be a weekend project) and the cookie mix (also probably this weekend). You really do crave the breads and such. My kids and hubby all still eat just the regular stuff but I let them try mine and all say it is pretty good. I am trying to be more careful in reading ingredients as things like brown sugar syrup can have it added, etc. Even though a cereal may be a rice cereal they can still sometimes sneak that stuff in. I have an allergy problem anyway called globular sensation which essentially feels like you have a marble in your throat where the little divot is at the base. Annoying feeling. 
I just avoid what I can that I am allergic to and deal with it how I can.
Anyway right now our lives are kind of up in the air. I sense change but unsure how that will go etc for the rest of the year. Just have to wait and see I guess. A lot depends on our money situation and deciding what route to take with several things. 

Food adventures

I've sort of been on a food adventure. Apparently I have a bit of a problem with gluten/wheat. So I've had to cut that out of my diet with so far only good results. I've had Keratosis Pilaris (this link contains more info on the link between Keratosis Pilaris and gluten) which I've battled with for a long time and which also went away very quickly after starting my wheat/gluten free diet. I had started to develop breathing issues and throat swelling issues which led me to see an allergist. I found out at that time I had a wheat allergy however it was a low end one which meant it should not have an affect really. However prior to the appt I'd gone without wheat and noticed an improvement. I tried to start eating it again post appt and found all the symptoms that led to me going in the first place came back. I've gone wheat/gluten free ever since. I'd been getting mouth sores that I attributed to my lupus...those stopped entirely. Breathing difficulties mostly stopped (though I have a high allergy to cottonwood and cedar and it comes back during those) my regular allergy symptoms have not been bothering me daily like they used to. I'd had stomach issues those have pretty much stopped though I'm thinking they may take a bit longer as there is likely long term damage there. Hormonal problems have eased (I won't go into that) anxiety has decreased some. So many things. I just feel better in general. The cravings were bad at first but have lessened and I am still feeling my way around this. I can eat some cereals that are gluten free (I braved it with the reeses puffs because they are made with corn but did notice a slight issue with them ...likely due to the fact that they are made where there is wheat present so in the label it does warn "MAY contain traces of wheat") I eat potato chips and tortilla (corn) chips. I've figured out how to make brownies from Nutella by substituting regular flour with gluten free (I used Bob's red mill oat flour)  I'll post that recipe here in a few. When my family eats at Mcdonalds I order a bunless burger or a chicken bacon ranch salad and a parfait (hold the granola) I don't ask anyone to change how they cook or eat just because I am I just work around it. If the family has something say with noodles or something my hubby may cook the meat and leave some aside for me OR I just fix something else for myself. I use a lot of either canned chicken or chicken breast or fajita strips of beef or pork for lunches. Etc. Again I am still learning. 

 1 jar nutella 2 eggs 8-10 TBspns of oat flour (add til thick as desired) mix well (sprinkle nuts on top if desired or mix in) bake at 350 for about 20 minutes done when fork comes out clean. 

This recipe called originally for regular flour so you can make it with that as well. 

Hot day....killing time

 my latest artwork.... To see more you can like my facebook page at Through the Eyes of the Storm 

I am getting the urge to write more and more and I mean actual writing not just FBing or blogging. So we'll see if I ever get brave enough to actually do it. On that note I am off to draw I just wanted to share this here :) 

Too much excitement

In such a short time frame. If you've been following Oklahoma weather at all you know we've had an eventful last few weeks with multiple tornadoes touching down in some of our more populated areas. Two of them being F5's and apparently both vying for the title of the worst tornado on record. The 2nd one won that title at a whopping 2.5 miles wide. One tornado got semi-close to our area (the next town over) and we had a warning for our area one night which ended not with a tornado but with a hail storm and flooding. We've lost two large branches off our cottonwood tree and I really expect it to come down in the next couple of wind storms or so. (don't plan on any of us being in the house) 
Other than that there have been medical issues with my mom going to ER and was not herself. She was angry at me for going for awhile but things have calmed down and we are working out a new routine as she is needing more constant care than she was so working out that as well as taking care of our more immediate family as well. As for me a couple of ER trips (this had better not become the norm I HATE the ER you sit there for hours and only for them to do nothing really....well the 2nd one resulted in a prescription for an ultrasound that I have to do but still) anyway. I have decided that the way they weed out the ones that don't want to sit too long is to freeze them to death (it was cold as a walk in freezer) and play Lifetime movies til they can't stand it anymore. Oh and of course to keep you waiting so long that you wonder if you need to have your mail transferred there. If you survive all that you are taken to a room in which they poke on you for approximately 2 seconds and tell you that you need to see your dr asap (which the whole reason you went there in the first place is your dr is out of the office this week and they told you to go to ER because you needed to be seen otherwise you would not have gone in and sat through all that for hours) Such is the lovely experiences with the health field. 
On another note we saw some poor guy come in with some of his friends and was being pushed a long in a wheel chair but seemed to be in good spirits and was laughing and all. Wasn't til I saw my hubby cringe that I looked as he poked me and saw that it looked like the guys ankle was broken and was sitting at  an odd angle as well as being hugely swollen. Enough so that a lady sitting across from them while talking and laughing with them was trying to get him to cover it up with an ice pack LOL :) When he came out the nurse asked if it was broken and he proclaimed nope torn ligaments. 
In any case I am still awaiting testing but I seemed to have found out on my own that my problem may be extreme allergy related with an infection that occurred secondary to that. (my glands in my throat and along my collar bone swelled up as well as feeling like I was swallowing a large marble that wouldn't go down) anyway. 
They are wanting to test my thyroid though to rule that out. 
This time last year we were desperately wishing for rain as we were going through serious drought. Now we are getting all that rain and then some. Our rivers are over full and are eroding the banks and people have lost houses etc over it. Our two main roads to the next town were closed for a short time (well one of them for sure unsure if they actually closed the other one but they put out a warning about it and said they'd be closing that one shortly) Our lake is once again full though. No one around here has been really wanting to drink the city water because after the lakes turned it tastes and smells like it comes directly out of the lake. The fish in several of our lakes are suspected of being too high in mercury to eat.  Story on mercury Though I still want to get my husband a fishing license (and me one too but mostly him because he's been wanting one for awhile and at least this year it wouldn't be trying to fish in dry mudholes. Well that is just a quick update for now seems like for me I will always have these gaps because things of course get busy. Or rather they stay busy but sometimes they slow down for a short time.